|am entry as Sydney
||[Jun. 24th, 2007|11:19 pm]
Secret Desires, Foreshadowed Destiny
Things have been so strange lately.. things have been so hard too. I have my own things of course, but my worries lay with my best friend Gwyn. A few days ago, Dominic suddely rushed into my room and.. well.. striaghtforwardly I can say he raped me. But.. at the same time he didn't. i some what understood that he was in a rut, so I let myself go and didn't put up a fuss. Strange how I used to always think about him.. and then later.. after all of those feelings had gone he suddenly shows up in my room.
He felt so horrid afterwards, but I was too tired to hear anything he was saying. He stopped by just today though.. and apologized. He also spoke to me about many things, some that I was surprised to hear. He has so much bottled up inside that I think he is bursting at the seams... poor Dominic.
First of all, he asked me how well I truly knew Gwyn. I told him pretty damn well! How crude to think that I of ALL people wouldn't know my own best friend, my sister.. he kept bowing his head and crying, blaming himself for hurting so many important people.. it was frightening. Does the Black Jewel world truly have this affect on others? Is this my fate if I accept a jewel? is this what happens? I have seen nothing good come from magic, which seems all fine and good to me since I apparently lack most of it.
I can teleport, and make thigns appear and vanish, but otherwise, I am pretty much only able to do what I do. I just wish.. I wish I could help Gwyn more.. lately she has been draining me.. not that it is her fault but.. people around her are seriously selfish. Trying not to hurt her, or trying to keep her to themselves. Gwyn is a person, not an object, and she is not made of glass.. it infuriates me when someone is prized like an object.
But.. enough about that topic it is something I will help Gwyn with.. no matter what. And if Dominic needs to talk I am here... but ths is supposed to be about me is it not? Well.. lets see.. I met a new friend lately. Her name is Dante. She seems pretty nice, and I do like Suri.. but she seems to lack confidence about herself.. and seems easily overwhelmed. I used to be.. I also used to be high and mighty.. Dante is almost a mirror of my old self.. different in a lot of ways yes.. but defiant, having a father that seems distant or almost TOO interested in her. It is refreshing too to talk about boys and shopping while still knowing that she is innocent of the pain the world has.
I am only barely sixteen and I have hurt so much.. I have watched my loved ones hurt. to be able to just laugh and be with her is refreshing and invigorating. Secondly, Davar and I are still well. We are an official couple, but I like that we can be easy around one another.. we trust each other and we banter.. I would be bored otherwise.. I think he feels the same way.
Lastly.. I still.. I don't know.. have a family complex. More so a father complex. Trowa.. I could hardly bring myself to call him dad but the words come out. He is obsesively training me.. to the point of me beign sick of it. When I start seeing a number and putting it into a code sequece, or when I can HEAR Davar from over five hundred feet away flyign to my window, and now that I can dodge bullets at point blank range.. it is scaring me. But.. there is no one else I can talk to aout it.
Everyone else just uses magic all of the time to fight, I am all alone in my abilities.. who can understand besides Trowa? And even then he uses magic and has a jewel. I lack a jewel, don't have given powers.. but I wish I could .. I don't know.. do more then train.. do more then feel left out since I lack magic and a culture of my own.
But this is all jumbled and too confusing now.. I just go off and write like this too much. Night for now...!