Something happened today. It was.. almost a freeing feeling of sorts. I have never felt this way before.. even when all the jealous rage inside me has been to its breaking point. It was another normal day.. if any day in my life could be called normal. I suppose the past few days have added some strain to my psyche.. but in general nothing out of the ordinary occured. I just.. finally told her. I told Gwyn how I truly felt.
I believe Dominic to be quite selfish.. he is always prattling on about how he feels for Gwyn, that he loves her, that he will give everything up for her. He forgets that I am here.. and that I will do all those things and more for her.. that his unwanted feelings are only hurting her and any chance she has at real happiness. She cannot be responsible for him and his childish feelings forever.. this whole situation with the two of them has just finally hit the point of no return.
I snapped.. and I do not regret it. It felt so.. envigoating. I could feel my blood singing, it was calling out to me. I could feel untapped powers whispering in my ears to let it out.. to let it fulfil my desires. I could taste every ounce of emotion around me.. it was intoxicating.. almost sexual.
I know my powers stem from two powerful people. I am the child of a King and a Queen. i am the son of a God, I am the son of a woman with power over the spirit and heart.. I am a child of healing and poison earth.. no one, not even I know my full and true potential. But.. I do know that I am about to find it. Dominic.. the ass that he is has truly done one thing for me for which I am grateful.. he has helped me understand that I have power and that my love for Gwyn is unmoving and unchanging.
My God.. I want to feel it again.. the rush.. the desire to kill with no remorse. It should have frightened me.. but I am far from being the good boy and the gentlemen that everyone wants me to be. I hold so much within myself.. But it is all for her.. my love.. my life.. my world.
My father asked me about a family.. starting one with her. I do want to have children.. but I am selfish..so selfish. I want her all to myself, I want us to live our lives in each others arms. I want no one to have her.. that is why today..is a good day. I feel free, powerful and I sense the love she has for me. Dominic is out of the picture for now.. the necklace is no burden any longer.
So much I wish to do.. and so.. intent still. I know now that if I had the moment.. I could easily kill Dominic. I know.. I know...
I’m angry… Angry in a way I haven’t been in a long time. Seeing her with a man makes me see red, makes me want to paint the walls with blood. And for her to be with HIM!
Just thinking about him makes me loose control. I hate him, with every fiber of my being. For what he did to her, made her go through! She cried for him, she cried and cried and cried. It seems like its all I heard for years. I know that it wasn’t his fault, not really. But that new knowledge can’t burn away centuries of hatred. I only left because she asked me to, I only left because I know how to hurt him if I needed. She still loves him, I suspect she always will. And in other circumstances I would try to tolerate him more but he comes to her married. Married! He can give her nothing, nothing but more pain. He thinks that he deserves her, but he deserves nothing and he has no place to attempt to tell me what to do! I was the one who watched her, protected and guarded her! I was the one who pulled that bastard off of her. That stopped him from raping her more and shattering her. It was me! So he had better stay the fuck away from her!
Something is... has.. happened to me. I don't really know how to explain it. But.. Chris and I get together.. really get together and we are both so miserable. How can I love someone so much but can't be with them? Am I doomed to be alone? I don't see it as fair that he bonded to me as a child, and then now as an adult this link of ours gets tossed aside for Wufei. I.. I am not really mad per say but, we have a son. And.. I am still alone after all is said and done.
Maybe it is better for me in the long run I suppose. I have work, Sylar is still my child even under all the rebellion.. he so inherited that from me. :)
I just.. It seems wrong somehow. I feel like I am in a dream world, where things are all happening around me and nothing i sin my control anymore. I am walking the steps, talking the talk and doing everything that needs to get done without truly living it myself. And.. DC... something seems off with him too. We are talking more than we ever have.. why is it that the man I love pulls away form me and the man I had come to hate comes closer? Nothing is really making sense in my life.. maybe I just need more friends so I don't think about this type of thing.
I do wish Chris well.. I just wish things were making more sense in my own life.. then I could be at ease instead of feelign like I am always on the brink of something.. good or bad I don't know but... I suppose I will find out soon enough.
Sweet..tender..passionate..firey..the blood I have had over the past few dyas has been delectible. I must remember to thank Dorothea for her efforts in thwarting my beloved. There is an uneasy game afoot with Lorelai.. the poor dear.. she doesn't know that she is digging a grave for herself.. stuck under her mothers loving thumb as she is. I enjoy watching these games.. I know how so many will end since I have played so many of them. But the blood!!! I cannot begin to tell anyone how good it was.. the taste.. I was a starving man stuffing myself.
I am usually a nuetral being.. prodding at teh side I want to make someone take action.. to amuse me in this long life of mine.. I admit I have begun to feel better now that I have offered some of my memories to Gwyn.. sweet child.. blood so pure.. I can say that I feel that she is like my blood daughter. I have never been one for.. chhildren.. but she feels more my child then Jakub does. It is her nature I suppose.. that of a Queen.. but one coming into her own that makes me resonate with her so.
I may give her even more memories.. but I do not want my burdfen of living to pass to her.. I do not want certain things to ever leave my mind.. All I can do now is continue living as I have. Lovimg Stefan, being a pawn in his games... playing a few of my own as well. I will watch over Lorelai..Dorothea.. everyone.. and I will ensure that many more memories are made for my benefit.
Ceriden is Lorilia's consort, they have this really strong connection Sydney was possessed by lorelia Lucien lost some memeories stefan and lorelia had a tiff Ceriden met Dorthea Gwynn and Justin still need to talk Trowa annica and sydney lily and dc have something going on lily and chris chris and wufei lucivar and ceriden
How could he do it to me..? How can this be happening? I am being left alone again.. I am being drivn away from everythign again. Why is it that no one can forget about teh wrongdoings I have done? Am I being punished for my selfishness as a girl? My heart.. it.. it i broken beyond repair.. and now I am pushed even further away from happiness. Chris agreed to break up.. I was hoping, hoping he would say anything else. "No Lilly, I don't want to lose you again.." or "I know this is hard for you, but wait, be patient.. I love you and want to be with you" No.. he nonchalantlyu agreed to break up with me. I don't understand.
Derrick hasn't changed much ... but he is sad.. I know I am adding to his sadness.. so I htink it is best if I forget abotu him and leave him to his own darkness and demons.. but now that I am so alone.. I don't have anyone to talk to.. he may have bad history with me.. but he is the only one who knows me.. he knows me almost better than Chris, and now they are both gone. I have run to Stefan.. but this is only temporary. It is only a matter of time before they get me into their bed.. and I don't want to solve my problems by sleeping it off.
What am I goign to do? My son hatres me.. flat out told me he won't listen to me, my one true love has abandoned me without a second thought, a person from the past has chucked me away... my family doesn't even talk to me.. Why? sometimes.. I really wish i could be Kat...
I need something.. anything... someone.. someone to make me feel alive.. like this is all real and not a bad dream... I can't go back to what I was.. someone help me.. help me..
Things have been so strange lately.. things have been so hard too. I have my own things of course, but my worries lay with my best friend Gwyn. A few days ago, Dominic suddely rushed into my room and.. well.. striaghtforwardly I can say he raped me. But.. at the same time he didn't. i some what understood that he was in a rut, so I let myself go and didn't put up a fuss. Strange how I used to always think about him.. and then later.. after all of those feelings had gone he suddenly shows up in my room.
He felt so horrid afterwards, but I was too tired to hear anything he was saying. He stopped by just today though.. and apologized. He also spoke to me about many things, some that I was surprised to hear. He has so much bottled up inside that I think he is bursting at the seams... poor Dominic.
First of all, he asked me how well I truly knew Gwyn. I told him pretty damn well! How crude to think that I of ALL people wouldn't know my own best friend, my sister.. he kept bowing his head and crying, blaming himself for hurting so many important people.. it was frightening. Does the Black Jewel world truly have this affect on others? Is this my fate if I accept a jewel? is this what happens? I have seen nothing good come from magic, which seems all fine and good to me since I apparently lack most of it.
I can teleport, and make thigns appear and vanish, but otherwise, I am pretty much only able to do what I do. I just wish.. I wish I could help Gwyn more.. lately she has been draining me.. not that it is her fault but.. people around her are seriously selfish. Trying not to hurt her, or trying to keep her to themselves. Gwyn is a person, not an object, and she is not made of glass.. it infuriates me when someone is prized like an object.
But.. enough about that topic it is something I will help Gwyn with.. no matter what. And if Dominic needs to talk I am here... but ths is supposed to be about me is it not? Well.. lets see.. I met a new friend lately. Her name is Dante. She seems pretty nice, and I do like Suri.. but she seems to lack confidence about herself.. and seems easily overwhelmed. I used to be.. I also used to be high and mighty.. Dante is almost a mirror of my old self.. different in a lot of ways yes.. but defiant, having a father that seems distant or almost TOO interested in her. It is refreshing too to talk about boys and shopping while still knowing that she is innocent of the pain the world has.
I am only barely sixteen and I have hurt so much.. I have watched my loved ones hurt. to be able to just laugh and be with her is refreshing and invigorating. Secondly, Davar and I are still well. We are an official couple, but I like that we can be easy around one another.. we trust each other and we banter.. I would be bored otherwise.. I think he feels the same way.
Lastly.. I still.. I don't know.. have a family complex. More so a father complex. Trowa.. I could hardly bring myself to call him dad but the words come out. He is obsesively training me.. to the point of me beign sick of it. When I start seeing a number and putting it into a code sequece, or when I can HEAR Davar from over five hundred feet away flyign to my window, and now that I can dodge bullets at point blank range.. it is scaring me. But.. there is no one else I can talk to aout it.
Everyone else just uses magic all of the time to fight, I am all alone in my abilities.. who can understand besides Trowa? And even then he uses magic and has a jewel. I lack a jewel, don't have given powers.. but I wish I could .. I don't know.. do more then train.. do more then feel left out since I lack magic and a culture of my own. But this is all jumbled and too confusing now.. I just go off and write like this too much. Night for now...!
God so much has happened... so very quickly every thing happened at once. It started with the boys fighting again. I was talking to Dominic and Jakob came in, they were fine and then suddenly there was so much tension in the air. I asked what it was about but neither of them would tell me. Then the next day they started fighting again, except it was a real fight. I intervened, though later I regretted it... When I went to talk to Dominic about it the next day he...
..... he gave me back his ring. And he told me he had to leave everyone, that he couldn't be around me anymore. It tore my heart out. It was one of my worst nightmares come to life; it was just like when Jakob gave me back his wedding ring. It was just devastating to have my brother abandon me like that, to believe something I had done had caused him to hate me. After that I couldn't bare to be away from Jakob. He was what I left to cling to, and I was afraid that he might leave again too. So when Daemon came to take me to Dominic I wanted Jakob with me. Father dragged me away from him while I struggled, cried and screamed.
At first Dominic talked but I didn't hear what he was saying. Slowly I began to comprehend his words, it calmed me down alot to just talk with him. And then he told me, told me what no one would say and what the boys have been dancing around all month. Dominic is in love with me. I even paused writing that down, its a revelation, something that explains so much. He kissed me too. It was passionate, deep and gave me chills; nothing like we've had before. I'm stilling trying to wrap my mind around his feelings for me. I don't really know what I think about it, besides the fact that nothing will change the fact that I love my brother.
Being totally honest with myself I... I think there might be some returned feeling towards Dominic. But I love Jakob. I can't afford to have something develop, I don't ever want to hurt Jakob like that. Still part of me does wonder... what it would be like. These are things I will never share though, too much pain would come from it. I still can't believe it either...